“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.