My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Fights fire with marshmallows
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…