No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
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Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE