“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
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her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”