If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct