Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
August 8
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?