In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Welcome
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.