Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
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Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Life cycle of cat
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]