On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
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I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.