god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
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My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
The best plant holders?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.