grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
couldn’t resist
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*