Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation