When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.