POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
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Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I think I’ll stand
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway