Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?