Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
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My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?