Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
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Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!