Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Geez man, take it easy.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Tammy is short for Tamuel
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.