so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
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Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.