Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
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