me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don鈥檛 have to go.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I鈥榲e stopped charging them myself and now I don鈥檛 have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 馃ズ
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I鈥檓 appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I cannot stop laughing at this
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
the clam before the storm
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme