My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
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gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”