I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
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5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?