Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives