Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn