when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
early stone age tool
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.