Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
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Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
i hate you platonically
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Human are so complicated
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess