My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Only short people can save us
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.