Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
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I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible