me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
oh you wanna fight?!
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef