my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Two types of dogs.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Social Media and Real life
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!