If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
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Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.