time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
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You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
the simulation is moving too fast
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.