We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
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This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
happy friday
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
These aren’t even hard anymore.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.