[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
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I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while