“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
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trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
Squash
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Shortcut
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program