Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach