*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Peace was never an option
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.