3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?