SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes