I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
had to share :’)
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule