“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
You Might Also Like
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.