Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
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Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like