My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
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I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?