Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.