Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”