That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
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I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future