Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
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When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
The internet is full of many things
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?