KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
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*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Not helping
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly