If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
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I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Seems a bit forward
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”